Losing My Best Friend

Never in a million years I imagine myself writing this...With much heartbreak, pain, sadness and tears, I share that Gabe has decided to leave me.

After 12-plus years as a couple and after all that I gave him - my devoted love, emotional and financial support, and the freedom to pursue his dream - he tells me that I don't inspire him and that I'm not what he wants or needs for the "second half" of his life. 

I was completely blindsided by his declaration and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Honestly, I'm still in shock. 

As I replay that day over and over again in my head, I keep asking myself, "What did I do wrong?" "Did I not love him enough?" "Did I not give him enough freedom?" "Was I bad wife?" "Was it because I didn't cook enough?" "Is it because I'm overweight?" "Did I not wear sexy enough clothes?" "Did I give him too much pressure about finding work?" "Was I not supportive enough?" "Is it because I didn't go clubbing with him every night?" I just keep asking myself why, why, why. I know those questions will go unanswered as Gabe has made up his mind about walking away from the marriage.

After my mom's death three years ago, I fell into a depression - withdrawing emotionally and socially inward.  The one rock that kept me grounded and prevented me from drowning was Gabe. I naively believed we were going through a slump in our marriage as we’re both stressed from being out of work, starting a family (or not), and moving (or not). I believed that as long as I had Gabe, everything will be okay. On the contrary, Gabe was planning his exit strategy the whole time.

I just can't believe this is happening. I loved him wholeheartedly. I trusted him with my heart. I believed he was my True Love. 

Now, I feel like I've lost my life partner and my best friend. Tears fall constantly and without warning. I feel like I've been betrayed as I believed he was committed to the good and worse of times, and growing old together. I feel empty inside as he has ripped my heart out. I feel lost as he was my North Star. And frankly, I'm scared as I'm not sure what the future may be like without him.  

If my mom was here, she would hold me in her arms and comfort me with her unconditional love and words of wisdom. “Everything will be okay," she would say. "Just remember the good times you had, and move forward. Remember, you still have me and your family who will always love you.”

I know my mom is right. I am very blessed and grateful for my family, and friends too, for their constant love, support and comfort - especially during this difficult time. Thank you...xo