White Out

Football season is over and I was running of ideas to keep busy. So, I decided to give online dating another chance.

A rather good looking Asian guy initiated a conversation. We ended up exchanging messages online and texting each other for a couple of weeks. During that time I learned he’s of Cambodian descent, from Salem, played college football, an Army vet and has family in the Seattle area. I enjoyed our conversations, and decided to take the initiative to ask him out on an impromptu date to walk around Green Lake one Saturday morning.

We met up at the nearby Starbucks, where he bought me a hot chocolate and himself a coffee, and then we started our 2.8-mile stroll around the lake. The conversation was awkward at first as we never talked before this. I was a little nervous and I’m sure he was too, but he kept sharing stories about himself with much ease. When we’re about half way around, he asked me a question that took me aback. 

“Are all your friends white?”

I don’t remember what our conversation was about at this time, but I stood there for a moment, probably with a confused look, and answered, “Yes? Maybe?” He hesitated and chuckled to himself like he had an inside joke. I’m like, “What? Com’on, say it.” He paused and then remarked, “Are you a ‘white out?’” He chuckled some more and said, “Just kidding!”

I've never heard of the term "white out," but I was still somewhat offended when he said it. I recounted this conversation later to a friend and had to ask her what the term meant. She said it was something about being “too white” or “selling out" to the white culture. And this time, I was truly offended–even if it was said in a jokingly manner.

I felt he disrespected me, my family and my culture. I’m proud of my Asian heritage and how it’s interwoven into my everyday life. Furthermore, I don't give a f*** how many Asians and non-Asians friends I have. My friends are my friends for who they are and the mutual respect we have for each other.

I have my list of insecurities when it comes to dating (i.e. “Am I pretty enough?”, “Am I skinny enough?”, “Am I smart enough?”, “Am I interesting enough?”), but I’d never guess “Am I Asian enough?” would be added to it. I’m not even sure what being “Asian enough” means! I know when I meet the right guy he will appreciate me for who I am, but still, I can’t help but wonder what about me is not “Asian enough.”

He has yet to ask me out on a second date, but probably it's for the better. 

And oh, how I can't wait for football to start up again!