Butterflies

My very first date was with a guy name Sterling. He had short dirty blonde hair, wore glasses and was a few inches taller than me. Regardless of his shy appearance, something about his mind attracted me.

I’m not sure when the date was (my freshmen year in high school?), but it was a result of a lost bet with him. I don’t remember what we ate, what we talked about or who ended up paying. I do recall it was a sunny day as he picked me up at my house and then we walked side by side down to a neighborhood restaurant on Woodstock St. We didn't hold hands or kiss; however, this date was special because of the butterflies in my stomach the entire time!

It has been two years since the divorce and I've been back into the dating scene. While finding potential guys is challenging, but overcoming my own insecurities has been harder to do. My failed marriage has created new and magnified existing self doubts about being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I find myself over analyzing simple conversations, polite gestures and reasonable periods of silence to figure out when the guy will eventually find me not good enough and end things. 

I know this self-destructive thinking will dissolve even the healthiest relationships. This is one of the reasons why I'm taking a break from dating. As much as I want to move on, I realize I need to heal more, find who I am again and rebuild my self-confidence. And maybe one day, when the stars are finally aligned, I’ll find that special someone who can wake up those butterflies again...