Max and Sam are the nicknames for my two kids. Max is my son, Maxwell; and Sam is my daughter, Samantha.
Max is outgoing and into sports, especially basketball and soccer. He’s also quite mischievous, always playing pranks on his little sister. Sam is more on the quieter side, creative and inquisitive. She also has a competitive streak, where she’s determine to outsmart her brother at his own pranks. Regardless how opposite their personalities are, it’s obvious they love and care for each other.
This is how I dreamt my two children would be. It was just a matter of when. This question was finally answered a few months ago. It would be - never.
That pretty much summarized what my doctor told me these past few months, when I went in to address the symptoms due to uterine fibroids.I first found out about these benign tumors about eight years ago, where I underwent an abdominal myomectomy. It’s basically where the surgeon cut open the uterus and scraped out the larger fibroids, with the hope that the remaining ones would never grow. Unfortunately, test reports concluded that fibroids had grown back - and with fury. I had so many that my uterus expanded 4x the normal size!
The doctor emphatically informed me that my chances of getting pregnant are very slim to none. And if I did get knocked up, it would be very risky for both the baby and I.
When I heard this, all I did was stared blankly at her. I just didn’t know what to think about this new reality. While I wasn't in a place in my life to have kids just yet, but, like a good friend said, “It’s one thing to not want to have kids; it’s another to get a vasectomy.”
When the information sunk in, my eyes welled up with tears of shock and loss. I quickly blinked them away and turned on the rational part of my brain to understand my options.
Since the fibroids were growing so rapidly, I had two options – a hysterectomy or a uterine artery embolization. Luckily, I qualified for the latter, where “small particles (embolic agents) are injected into the arteries supplying the uterus, cutting off blood flow to fibroids, causing them to shrink and die.”* The recovery time is about 10-14 days, which is not too bad compared to the recovery period of 6 weeks for an abdominal myomectomy.
When I shared this news with my sister shortly after my appointment, I was very rational. “Well, it’s not a big deal. I mean, I’m 36 now. If I got married and finally get pregnant it would be 37 or 38. And it will be like 39 before my first kid. And I don’t know if I really want to raise kids well into my 50s.”
By the time I informed my brother and sister-in-law, I was able to process it more. So, when my brother asked, “How do you feel?” I started out with the same rational response but tears quickly filled my eyes again.
How do I really feel?
While I try to look on the bright side of things, like how I don’t need to save money for diapers or college, it’s new reality I’m still processing. There is a small dull ache in my heart, where I lay awake at night weeping, mourning for Max and Sam.I know I can adopt or have children via a surrogate, but it won’t be the same.
For now, I need to calm my nerves for the upcoming procedure and focus on getting better afterward. I’ll have to worry about everything else later.
*Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/uterine-fibroids/DS00078
Max is outgoing and into sports, especially basketball and soccer. He’s also quite mischievous, always playing pranks on his little sister. Sam is more on the quieter side, creative and inquisitive. She also has a competitive streak, where she’s determine to outsmart her brother at his own pranks. Regardless how opposite their personalities are, it’s obvious they love and care for each other.
This is how I dreamt my two children would be. It was just a matter of when. This question was finally answered a few months ago. It would be - never.
That pretty much summarized what my doctor told me these past few months, when I went in to address the symptoms due to uterine fibroids.I first found out about these benign tumors about eight years ago, where I underwent an abdominal myomectomy. It’s basically where the surgeon cut open the uterus and scraped out the larger fibroids, with the hope that the remaining ones would never grow. Unfortunately, test reports concluded that fibroids had grown back - and with fury. I had so many that my uterus expanded 4x the normal size!
The doctor emphatically informed me that my chances of getting pregnant are very slim to none. And if I did get knocked up, it would be very risky for both the baby and I.
When I heard this, all I did was stared blankly at her. I just didn’t know what to think about this new reality. While I wasn't in a place in my life to have kids just yet, but, like a good friend said, “It’s one thing to not want to have kids; it’s another to get a vasectomy.”
When the information sunk in, my eyes welled up with tears of shock and loss. I quickly blinked them away and turned on the rational part of my brain to understand my options.
Since the fibroids were growing so rapidly, I had two options – a hysterectomy or a uterine artery embolization. Luckily, I qualified for the latter, where “small particles (embolic agents) are injected into the arteries supplying the uterus, cutting off blood flow to fibroids, causing them to shrink and die.”* The recovery time is about 10-14 days, which is not too bad compared to the recovery period of 6 weeks for an abdominal myomectomy.
When I shared this news with my sister shortly after my appointment, I was very rational. “Well, it’s not a big deal. I mean, I’m 36 now. If I got married and finally get pregnant it would be 37 or 38. And it will be like 39 before my first kid. And I don’t know if I really want to raise kids well into my 50s.”
By the time I informed my brother and sister-in-law, I was able to process it more. So, when my brother asked, “How do you feel?” I started out with the same rational response but tears quickly filled my eyes again.
How do I really feel?
While I try to look on the bright side of things, like how I don’t need to save money for diapers or college, it’s new reality I’m still processing. There is a small dull ache in my heart, where I lay awake at night weeping, mourning for Max and Sam.I know I can adopt or have children via a surrogate, but it won’t be the same.
For now, I need to calm my nerves for the upcoming procedure and focus on getting better afterward. I’ll have to worry about everything else later.
*Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/uterine-fibroids/DS00078
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