On Wednesday, February 1, a new chapter of my life began.
After waiting at the Snohomish County Court House in court room C for about 1 hour, the judge called up our case. In less than five minutes, after me answering a few clarifying questions in my barely-there voice, due to a bad cold/cough, the judge declared our marriage dissolved. When I heard it, it felt like the coffin that contained our love and friendship was being thrown into the fire. There was no turning back.
I walked out of the court room, and just sat there in the hallway. (Gabe wasn't there as he waived his participation in any of the court hearings.) I wanted the reality of it all to sink in, waiting for a sense of relief or a river of tears. Nothing happened. My mind was blank, my heart numb, and my body still. This was very different than what happened a couple days earlier.
For the past three months, I was trying to get Gabe to complete the final divorce papers. He was MIA and wouldn't respond to any of my emails or text messages. When he finally did sign at the lawyer's office, it was Monday before the hearing. That evening, when I received Gabe's text message that simply read, "Done.," I cried and cried.
Realty hit me hard that night. I couldn't believe - and still can't - how willingly and easily he ended not only our marriage but also the past 12+ years together as lovers and, more sadly, the past 22+ years as friends.
Everything that happened in past few months feels surreal. I have no grasp of any of the emotions I feel. I know I am sad, disappointed, heartbroken, empty, angry, but I don't really know how to process it. As friends have advised me, I need to let the grief and healing take its own course. It's not easy for an impatient person like me, but I'm trying.
One thing I do know though, I'm on my own now. I'm learning all over again how to take care of myself when I'm sick, cook for myself when I'm hungry, fend for myself when I'm scared, comfort myself when I'm sad. I'm also learning how to put myself first, to look out for my own best interests and to love myself again. I find it's not easy to do, but it's a new chapter I'm looking forward to. :)
Don't forget to love yourself first this Valentine's Day, as Whitney has taught us that is the "Greatest Love of All." (RIP Whitney Houston.)
After waiting at the Snohomish County Court House in court room C for about 1 hour, the judge called up our case. In less than five minutes, after me answering a few clarifying questions in my barely-there voice, due to a bad cold/cough, the judge declared our marriage dissolved. When I heard it, it felt like the coffin that contained our love and friendship was being thrown into the fire. There was no turning back.
I walked out of the court room, and just sat there in the hallway. (Gabe wasn't there as he waived his participation in any of the court hearings.) I wanted the reality of it all to sink in, waiting for a sense of relief or a river of tears. Nothing happened. My mind was blank, my heart numb, and my body still. This was very different than what happened a couple days earlier.
For the past three months, I was trying to get Gabe to complete the final divorce papers. He was MIA and wouldn't respond to any of my emails or text messages. When he finally did sign at the lawyer's office, it was Monday before the hearing. That evening, when I received Gabe's text message that simply read, "Done.," I cried and cried.
Realty hit me hard that night. I couldn't believe - and still can't - how willingly and easily he ended not only our marriage but also the past 12+ years together as lovers and, more sadly, the past 22+ years as friends.
Everything that happened in past few months feels surreal. I have no grasp of any of the emotions I feel. I know I am sad, disappointed, heartbroken, empty, angry, but I don't really know how to process it. As friends have advised me, I need to let the grief and healing take its own course. It's not easy for an impatient person like me, but I'm trying.
One thing I do know though, I'm on my own now. I'm learning all over again how to take care of myself when I'm sick, cook for myself when I'm hungry, fend for myself when I'm scared, comfort myself when I'm sad. I'm also learning how to put myself first, to look out for my own best interests and to love myself again. I find it's not easy to do, but it's a new chapter I'm looking forward to. :)
Don't forget to love yourself first this Valentine's Day, as Whitney has taught us that is the "Greatest Love of All." (RIP Whitney Houston.)
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