A friend recently asks if I ever thought of taking my own life to end this excruciating pain. Honestly, I never thought of it. This is because I owe too much to the people I love and to the people who love me.
When Gabe told me he didn't love me anymore, it was one of my most painful and darkest moments in my life. My first thoughts were: "Why?", "I will never have the family I've dreamed of." and "I need to stay healthy."
I knew once Gabe made his decision, he wouldn't change his mind, no matter how much he may regret it later. I remember how I had to consciously remind myself to eat and eat healthy, and to sleep enough. (I still have to do that now.) If I got sick or hurt, I'd be on my own (emotionally, anyways) to take care of myself because I couldn't count on the man I've loved and relied on for twelve-plus years anymore.
After the nervous breakdown and when the flow of tears finally slowed down, survival mode kicked in. I told myself that I needed to keep it together. I couldn't fall apart. I needed to continue moving forward. I made a mental list of all the things I needed to do: find a lawyer, protect myself from his mounting debts (a result of his bad business decisions and poor money management), save the roof over my head, split up the community property, get custody of Lady, secure a job, and on and on.
Family and friends have remarked how "together" I appear with everything that I'm going through. But I have my rough days and nights, like when Facebook recommended I "friend" him twice. (Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked on the link and found out he's "in a relationship" with a "fashion model," which reminded me of how he never once acknowledged on Facebook that he was "married" when we were together. I didn't realize being married to me was such an embarrassment...)
However, I get by each day by counting my blessings, finding the little humors in life, remembering to smile, day dreaming about all the things I can do now (like traveling to my dream destinations!) and planning for the new future. It's not easy, but I credit this inner strength to my mom.
My mom raised me to be a survivor, to persevere through life's most difficult times. After all that she gone through in her life to raise her own children to be strong, capable and compassionate, I couldn't disappoint her. He already disappointed her by doing what he did to her little girl, shattering the foundation of our love and friendship with extramarital affairs, especially after what my mom has done for him. I wasn't going to let him make me do the same.
The outpouring of love and comfort during this past few months reminds me of how blessed I am. I'm grateful for my family and friends for constantly checking up on me in person, over the phone, via text messages or virtually; for words of love, comfort and strength for sharing their own stories; for letting me cry, vent and scream; for the delicious meals and social outings; and for keeping my mind occupy with conversations about Glee, football and life's silly moments. It means so much to know what an incredible support system I have in my life.
It will be a long time before I move past this feeling of deep betrayal, and learn to trust and love wholeheartedly again. I know, however, with my family and friends, and with my mom watching over me from above, I'll be okay.
Thank you for your love and comfort. May you survive the craziness of this holiday season and have a New Year filled with an abundance of blessings. Happy Holidays!
When Gabe told me he didn't love me anymore, it was one of my most painful and darkest moments in my life. My first thoughts were: "Why?", "I will never have the family I've dreamed of." and "I need to stay healthy."
I knew once Gabe made his decision, he wouldn't change his mind, no matter how much he may regret it later. I remember how I had to consciously remind myself to eat and eat healthy, and to sleep enough. (I still have to do that now.) If I got sick or hurt, I'd be on my own (emotionally, anyways) to take care of myself because I couldn't count on the man I've loved and relied on for twelve-plus years anymore.
After the nervous breakdown and when the flow of tears finally slowed down, survival mode kicked in. I told myself that I needed to keep it together. I couldn't fall apart. I needed to continue moving forward. I made a mental list of all the things I needed to do: find a lawyer, protect myself from his mounting debts (a result of his bad business decisions and poor money management), save the roof over my head, split up the community property, get custody of Lady, secure a job, and on and on.
Family and friends have remarked how "together" I appear with everything that I'm going through. But I have my rough days and nights, like when Facebook recommended I "friend" him twice. (Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked on the link and found out he's "in a relationship" with a "fashion model," which reminded me of how he never once acknowledged on Facebook that he was "married" when we were together. I didn't realize being married to me was such an embarrassment...)
However, I get by each day by counting my blessings, finding the little humors in life, remembering to smile, day dreaming about all the things I can do now (like traveling to my dream destinations!) and planning for the new future. It's not easy, but I credit this inner strength to my mom.
My mom raised me to be a survivor, to persevere through life's most difficult times. After all that she gone through in her life to raise her own children to be strong, capable and compassionate, I couldn't disappoint her. He already disappointed her by doing what he did to her little girl, shattering the foundation of our love and friendship with extramarital affairs, especially after what my mom has done for him. I wasn't going to let him make me do the same.
The outpouring of love and comfort during this past few months reminds me of how blessed I am. I'm grateful for my family and friends for constantly checking up on me in person, over the phone, via text messages or virtually; for words of love, comfort and strength for sharing their own stories; for letting me cry, vent and scream; for the delicious meals and social outings; and for keeping my mind occupy with conversations about Glee, football and life's silly moments. It means so much to know what an incredible support system I have in my life.
It will be a long time before I move past this feeling of deep betrayal, and learn to trust and love wholeheartedly again. I know, however, with my family and friends, and with my mom watching over me from above, I'll be okay.
Thank you for your love and comfort. May you survive the craziness of this holiday season and have a New Year filled with an abundance of blessings. Happy Holidays!
Comments
Your mom is looking down on you now and she is so proud of you. Take care - and Go Ducks!